Whether you have experienced infidelity in your partnership or not you can benefit from listening to this episode of my free Stepmom Circles Podcast. The reason I decided to do this show is because I received a letter from a reader in which she revealed her husband cheated on her with his ex-wife. You can read the letter at the end of this post. Instead of responding to her letter myself, I decided to consult two experts in the field of infidelity prevention and recovery.
My guest on this week's show is Dave Carder, the author of Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know about Potecting your Marriage and Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs. Dave currently serves as the Pastor responsible for Counseling Ministries at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton in California. He’s a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and runs premarital education classes for stepfamilies.
I also consulted Peggy Vaughan of the Extramarital Affairs Resource Center for this show. She generously agreed to write an article for us called When Your Husband Has an Affair with His Ex Wife. Visit her website to read about infidelity issues or to check out her book The Monogamy Myth and the upcoming To Have and To Hold: A Personal Handbook for Building a Strong Marriage and Preventing Affairs, which will be published in February 2010.
Here is the letter from my reader:
I need some advice and you were the first person I could think to get in contact with. I've caught my husband red handed having an affair with his ex - he's totally admitted it and taken full responsibility - and shown proof, in black and white in his sent and received items of facebook. She on the other hand denies she's having an affair and there must be a case of misidentity. I did a very malicious thing and sent the proof via email/facebook and registered post to her husband along with a letter explaining what he's seeing in his hands. I think he and I deserve better. All that she's ever done in the 5 years my husband and I have been together is make my life a living hell - i was never brave enough to put a stop to it, it's bloody 7 years my junior for goodness sake, why am I so darn scared of her?
She's been to my home and shouted I'm a homewrecker rather loudly and clearly (not that I care what my neighbours think!) and generally shown herself up to be the one hurt in all of this - I'm breaking up a home and marriage and I should be sectioned on mental health grounds because I'm a malicious and devious person. I truely believe I've shown her that she has no power over me anymore, and I am strong enough to fight when she's once again pulled my world around my ankles!
My husband is not off the hook - oh very far from it! I'm forcing a lot of thinking on his part - what does she have over you? Why do you keep going back to a person who refuses to give your son your surname, refuses to allow any decisions to be made by you about your son, and generally thinks she's oh so powerful!
The reason I've come to you is, I'm not outwardly showing any emotion to this situation at all... I normally have a pretty fiery temper, but at the moment I'm so calm it actually scares me! What will happen with this damn breaks? I'm finding all the malicious things I did to hurt her and my husband is giving me a buzz that I'm feeding off...
I'm so confused, don't know who to turn to for good sensible advice and essentially my petrified of what my reaction is going to be when the calm wears off!
Could you help?
For more information, visit Stepmom Circles host Jacquelyn Fletcher's award-winning blog at www.becomingastepmom.com.